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Jun. 28th, 2012

(no subject)

I've felt really strange for the past couple of days. Today, for example, I'm bored out of my brains. This never happens. This never happens because I make sure of it. When I get bored my brain over thinks things. I usually end up a complete mess by the end of this.

I'm sick and tired of an awful lot of things and of an awful lot of people. They bitch and moan about everything and anything like I should give a fuck and it does my head in.

This morning I opened up my store to find the shop in an absolute mess. Teas hadn't faced forward, stickered or put stock away and had only served 19 people do I don't know what else she can possibly have been busy with - it certainly wasn't with the presentation of the shop! And to think, I've been rushing to other peoples stores and sorting them out on a sales assistant wage when tess can't even be arsed to look after her own shop! Needless to say, I started off my day very angry.
But there was something else wrong. I was shaking right through my body like I never had before. My stomach was trembling. And, honestly, I could have easily picked up a pair of scissors and stabbed someone in the face. It was scary. To feel like I could do that to someone whether theyd asked for it or not. It wasn't rage, it was something new. Like I was about to snap and collapse in a snivelling mess of tears and stay there for weeks.

I think it's something to do with him. I keep on seeing him everywhere. Well, not actually him, but his mannerisms mostly in other people. Which is worse than actually seeing him. Why am I imagining him? Is it a sign that something's going to happen? That he's suddenly going to reappear into my life and try to cause more damage? This. This is why it's worse. Because of my brain.
I wish there was some shot they could give me to get rid of him. Like they give people antibiotics for an infection, he's a disease, why isn't there something to lessen the effects?

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Jun. 23rd, 2012

(no subject)

He's back. He's been here for a couple of days. I don't realise it until I catch myself talking to him.

I really hate him. Why won't he just stay out of my head?! I don't even think nice things about him, it just gets to me so much that I think about him at all!

He's ruined me, hasn't he? He's done some irreversible damage.

You know when people say 'a part of my heart will always belong to...'

A part of my brain is destroyed because of him. The part that I used to be proud of. I don't like who I am now, not without that part.

I wish there was something I could do. Something that would stop him from ever sneaking back into my mind.

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May. 12th, 2012

(no subject)

This is going to sound stupid, but the last two times I've watched Jeremy Kyle there have been people saying

"do I look like an alcoholic?!"

I'm sorry, but these people make me really angry. What do they expect an alcoholic should look like?

My mom doesn't "look like an alcoholic". There isn't some sort of uniform. Just because someone has a problem doesn't mean it looks like they do.

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May. 4th, 2012

(no subject)

I have never considered myself to be a 'model'. Whether its because I don't think I'm gold enough, have enough experience or have been published or not, something inside of me has always stopped myself from thinking of myself as a model.

A few weeks ago I had this same conversation with two of the girls who work with me for revalt. They are both highly successful in the sense that they have been published numerous times and are both pretty well established. Yet, they both agreed that modelling is not a career. There will always be someone newer, prettier, skinnier, more tattooed etc. and ever since having this discussion I've found myself getting wound up when I come across girls 'modelling fan pages' or see them offering competitions or raving about being in a magazine. No, I am not jealous. In fact, I think you're just plain stupid. Stupid for thinking that you are a model. Stupid for believing that people are always going to be a 'fan'. Stupid for thinking you're going to be published in every magazine from now until YOU decide other wise. You've just opened yourselves up to a whole world of disappointment. You will never be Kate moss or dita. In fact, even those girls knew they couldn't make a living off having their photo taken forever (why do you think they married musicians?)

So my point is, stop being a stupid little girl.

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Apr. 23rd, 2012

(no subject)

I am not against smokers. But one thing that really, REALLY pisses me off is when people smoke in their cars.
First off, that fag butt gets flicked onto a pavement that I could be walking along.
Secondly, if you're smoking whilst driving then you're not paying full attention to the road. So therefore your smoking starts to effect the rest of the world, or at least who ever else is on the road at that time
Thirdly, it just looks like people are trying to make themselves look cool. Window down, elbow on the ledge with a fag in their hand. You don't look cool, you look like a knob.
How can you possibly need to smoke that badly? Just wait until you get home!

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(no subject)

Why is it that no matter what form of public transport, no matter what time of day or where I sit, I always end up with that prat sitting behind me with their music so loud I can hear every word.

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Apr. 19th, 2012

(no subject)

I need to stop!!! 

I can't stop thinking about the house :(

(no subject)

Me and Jamie went to see a house on Tuesday. A standard two up, two down terrace house in Bearwood. We loved it, and went straight to the estate agents to secure the house. Now we're waiting on a bank check and work references to come back before anything else can happen. Somehow, though, I'm not convinced that we will be getting this house. I've been shopping on-line for all sorts of things for it, but I keep on stopping myself. 

Anything could go wrong from now on. The rest of the deposit isn't a problem. But either of us could fail at the work and bank hurdles. It sucks waiting. We won't know for at least a week. Which means there's another week in which both of us can get more and more excited and therefore more disappointed if/when we lose the house.

I've already decided how I want the bedroom to look. I've arranged all of the furniture, and I've picked out some nice cheap wallpaper. I must stop until its certain.

Apr. 17th, 2012

(no subject)

It annoys me a little that I keep on seeing posts on Facebook about alternative models and normal models, and the main factor separating the two is weight. I know an awful lot of skinny alternative models. 'alternative' doesn't have to mean curvy. That's just plain ignorant.

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Apr. 16th, 2012

(no subject)

Sometimes I over think things and freak myself out a bit. But i just realized that I can't wait to be married to Jamie. Yeah, some times we argue, and some times he annoys me, but I love him and I wouldn't be without him. 

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